Why condoms are bad for you on Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is on Sunday, February 14^th.

St. Valentine's Day began as a liturgical celebration of one or more early Christian saints named Valentinus. Saint Valentine's Day is an official feast day in the Anglican Communion, as well as in the Lutheran Church. Valentine's Day or the Feast of Saint Valentine is also a celebration of love observed in many countries around the world, although it is not a public holiday in most.

The day was first associated with romantic love in the circle of Geoffrey Chaucer in the High Middle Ages, when the tradition of courtly love flourished. In 18th-century England, it evolved into an occasion in which lovers expressed their love for each other by presenting flowers, offering confectionery, and sending greeting cards (known as "valentines").

Anyway, that’s all good and well.

So, let us talk about romance, love and sex. Let us talk about why wearing a condom can be extremely bad for you on Valentine’s Day.

Have some fun

So I was at the doctor's clinic the other day with my farting problem. I explained it to him, "I fart all the time!! But the good part is that they are silent and they don't smell, so nobody knows. Ever since I stepped into your clinic, I have farted about 20 times and nobody noticed." He gave me some medicine and told me to come after a week.

A week later I went fuming to his office... "What kind of medicine was that? Now my farts stink like hell!!... The good thing is that they are still silent so nobody knows I did it." The doctor calmly replied, "Okay, so your nose infection is cleared. Next, I will give you medicine for your ears......."

Prevention of infection

For those who have ears, please listen carefully. Condoms prevent sexually transmitted infection. You have to wear it BEFORE sexual intercourse and be strict about not allowing bodily fluid from your partner anywhere near your sex organ. It prevents infections like the usual Gonorrhoea, Herpes, Herpatitis B and C, Syphilis and of course, HIV.

But, why would you want to do that?

The thing about not using protection is that you risk catching an infection or of course, you risk passing an infection to your partner. Don’t forget that our bodies are vastly different and a germ that may be local and friendly to you (not giving you any symptoms or problems) may be dangerous to your partner. So, using a condom protects you and your partner.

If you don’t want to protect yourself, then you are playing the game, ‘Passemon’. The sexually transmitted infection trading game! This game is a new craze that is sweeping bedrooms across nations! Have you got Chlamydimander? How about Herpesaur? Or even Gonococcus? Collect and swap them now with your friends! Gotta catch ‘em all!

So, Valentine’s Day is a great time to catch as many infections as possible. It will guarantee a visit to the doctors in March with a nasty urinary tract infection, a cold sore, itchy vagina full of smelly discharge, a penis clothed with warts and a possible positive HIV test.

The joys are endless!

Have more fun

Valentine’s Day could be the best, most romantic and funniest ever so long as you do not let it go to your head. Lose your heart but don’t lose your head. You should be smart and avoid situations that lead to problems when morning comes. Take this case for example. A chap thought it would be pretty funny putting a pin through all of his best friends’ condoms. It did seem like a good idea at the time. Unfortunately, it seriously backfired when he found out his own wife was pregnant.

Prevention of pregnancy

Wearing a condom on Valentine’s Day could be an effective way of preventing pregnancy and therefore limiting your chances of having a baby by Christmas. A December baby is rather special and likely to be called, ‘Abiodun’, just like yours truly. Well, some studies have suggested that babies born around November and December are better behaved and more intelligent that those born in the summer months. Perhaps, even more handsome!

Scientists at both Harvard and Queensland (Australia) universities took a look at the statistics and found that children born in November and December tended to be longer at birth than those born in the summer, and what's more, by age 7, the winter-born kids were heavier, taller, and had larger head circumference than their peers. Okay, that means if you want to give birth to an astronaut or a rocket scientist, ditch the condom in February and March.

Happy Valentine’s Day, people!

NB: The morning after pill is currently the safest way to prevent pregnancy after unprotected sexual intercourse or contraception failure, with low incidence of side effects. It is very unlikely that you will have any serious or long term side effects after taking it. If you do want to prevent having a December baby, then rush to your local chemist on Monday 15^th and get ‘Postinor’.

Next time, I will write about urinary tract infections and how you can manage them in the comfort of your own home.